I've only made it through 4 steps...

I know there are five steps to accepting bad news.. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. But I only make it through four and then I start over again or skip around between them. I feel like I'm supposed to be getting better and accepting this and its supposed to be okay by now. Its been months and it is harder and harder to be a normal person and put on a happy face day by day, not easier. When am I supposed to feel better? How long are these steps supposed to take?

I don't know who to talk to anymore. I feel like I overwhelm people and they just don't know what to say to me. I've thought about calling one of those support hotlines but I don't want to have to take the time to explain my story to someone before I get to the asking them what I'm supposed to do. I can take all the depression and anxiety medicine the world has to offer but until someone can fix my son or at least give me something solid to look forward to I'm not going to feel better.

My mom asked me in regards to my anxiety attacks what it is I think is going to happen..at the time I told her nothing but thinking on it now I realize there is something or things I worry will happen:
First and foremost I worry my son will die. That someday I'm going to go to pick him up out of his crib and hes going to be dead. I know its a demented thought but I have already been told once before he wouldn't live to a year and that still haunts me. Every single cough or sneeze of his makes me think hes getting sick and I have also been told he has a bigger risk of dying from normal colds that turn into pneumonia or trigger more seizures and fevers. Anytime I myself get sick I panic, automatically feeling like this is going to be the time he gets my cold..my germs are going to kill him. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tell people that or if its something I should keep to myself. But like I have said before, I'm tired of censoring myself and putting on the happy face. I want all of this out there so people know how hard it is on parents like me.. I want to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I also worry that because Elias turned out the way he did my next child will be the same... its such a rare chance but if it happened once why wouldn't it happen again? Am I supposed to just hope for the best? Roll the dice and see where they land? Or is it not worth the risk and I should give up on wanting more children in the future?

Its all too hard and too much to handle sometimes. Well....most of the time.

I'm just lucky hes so amazingly worth the struggle, I wouldn't trade him for the world.